Debunking 5 Myths About Premarital Conflict
In this article, relationship researchers Julie Gottman and John Gottman debunk 5 common myths about premarital conflict. The myths include: Myth 5: You must have a long relationship before you live together or marry. And Myth 7: You must avoid recurring fights with your partner.
Relationship researchers John Gottman and Julie Gottman debunk 5 myths about premarital conflict
First, you should know that a healthy relationship includes healthy conflict. The Gottmans say that couples who have healthy conflicts have a five-to-one positive-to-negative ratio during conflict. This is the opposite of a couple that is headed for divorce, where the ratio is only 0.8 to 1. The Gottmans’ research also points out that conflict is healthy in the sense that it helps couples develop trust.
There are no scientific studies proving that relationships that are not healthy are doomed to divorce. But researchers have been studying relationships for 40 years. They’ve studied everything from how people communicate to how long they stay in their relationships. They’ve published over 200 articles on relationships, and have even been dubbed the “Einstein of love” by Psychology Today. Gottman’s research is used by marriage therapists to help couples improve their relationships.
The Gottman method involves intensive, research-based interventions based on a theory called the Sound Relationship House. Gottman’s theories define nine elements of a healthy relationship. The research is based on over 3,000 couples and hundreds of relationships.
Second, an affair destroys the foundation of trust in a marriage. It usually precedes a divorce. Eighty percent of people who divorce cite growing apart and a loss of intimacy as their reasons for leaving their partners. About 20 to 27 percent blame an extramarital affair.
The most common myth about premarital conflict is that it is inevitable. But in reality, there are some things that are impossible to mandate in a marriage contract. Fortunately, a growing number of couples are formalizing their principles in an agreement. For instance, Mark Zuckerberg and Priscilla Chan both have a marriage contract in place that spells out their expectations for the future. But many couples have informal agreements.
Myth #5: You have to date someone for [X amount of time] before living together or getting married
The media and the culture promote the idea that you should date someone before living with them or getting married. However, studies have shown that cohabitation before marriage has negative effects, such as an increased divorce rate. It’s also associated with higher rates of sexual affairs, domestic violence, and single motherhood.
One way to overcome this problem is to wait until the “honeymoon” phase has ended. This is the period when oxytocin (the hormone that powers love) is flowing freely, sex is great, and couples are blissfully unaware of each other’s flaws. Moreover, during this period, a couple’s expectations are high and they are on their best behavior.
To make your relationship successful, you should spend time with your partner. This will help you get to know each other better. Despite the cliché, dating doesn’t have to take a long time. Often, a friendship can become a lover. The key is to take the time to find out what your partner is looking for.
Marriage is not about money; it’s about happiness and commitment. The two partners need to be able to resolve conflict, make each other happy, and invest in each other’s happiness. In addition, marriage is more satisfying than cohabitating. A Pew Research Center study shows that married people feel closer to their spouse or partner than cohabitators.
Myth #7: You have to avoid recurring fights
The truth is, recurring fights in a relationship are not necessarily the result of a larger problem; they can be caused by an emotional trigger that has been blown out of proportion. The key is to figure out what’s really bothering one person, and then address it in a way that the other party can understand. If you don’t know how to do this, a marriage counselor can help you find ways to resolve recurring fights.
The fact is that every long-term relationship has some form of conflict. If you think that a big fight means that your relationship is doomed, think again. It is a natural part of a relationship and it is normal and healthy to have disagreements. It also gives you an opportunity to understand each other better.
One of the best ways to avoid recurring fights is to become more understanding and compassionate. Arguments usually result in more problems than they solve. Therefore, it is best to become more understanding of your partner’s viewpoint and to stop pushing your own ideas.